In life, we each play a variety of roles. Depending on our gender, we might be a son or daughter, mother or father, brother or sister, husband or wife. Beyond gender, we also take on societal roles, such as supervisor or subordinate, seller or customer, teacher or student. Many of these societal roles are within our control—we can choose not to buy something or change our profession if we're unhappy. However, our gender roles are assigned at birth and cannot be modified without significant consequences. Though these roles may seem straightforward, they often become the source of our greatest happiness or suffering as we navigate adulthood. The challenge lies in understanding the boundaries of each gender role and fulfilling them within the context of our spiritual journey. Simply put, we must learn not to play all these roles—father and mother, husband and wife, daughter and son—simultaneously, as doing so can lead to unnecessary pain and frustration in what could otherwise be a simpler life.
Each gender role carries specific responsibilities that we must discern and fulfil. Imagine depicting each role as a circle, with its size representing the scope of that role. Depending on our Karma, we expand or contract this circle (role) based on the people we live or work with. If we are not mindful of our intentions, we create unnecessary strain with them, like an overinflated balloon prone to bursting, or a deflated one serving little purpose. Husbands and wives often find themselves at odds because neither fully understand the scope of their role in each other's life. Over time, one role may overshadow the other, leading to a situation when the husband takes on responsibilities traditionally associated with the wife, or vice versa. In cases where neither spouse is aware of their role, the result is often a chaotic, unkempt home. Understanding our roles naturally leads to treating our homes—and by extension, our bodies and minds—with the same care and reverence as a temple or church.
Each role is accompanied by a set of responsibilities, which can be represented as another circle, the size of which reflects the optimal level of obligation needed to fulfil the role. Ideally, these two circles—the role and its responsibilities—should be concentric, meaning they should align perfectly in size. This alignment ensures that we do not overemphasise or underplay our roles, or overindulge or neglect our responsibilities. Distilling the appropriate balance between these two aspects is crucial in attaining enlightenment.
For example, a daughter who steps in to discipline her younger siblings because she perceives her mother as failing in her parental role. Though her actions stem from empathy, they can create negative emotions among the siblings, as the daughter has unknowingly assumed both the role and responsibility of the mother, thereby disrupting the emotional and Karmic balance within the family. Similarly, a husband who fails to provide for his family, financially or emotionally, is often seen as irresponsible. Conversely, those focused solely on financial security and material comforts may neglect the emotional nourishment needed to raise confident, morally grounded children. There are also those who, like migrating cranes, maintain separate lives, damaging their marriages and families. Of all the challenges we face, mastering our gender roles and responsibilities is perhaps the most difficult but essential for cultivating nobility in this lifetime.
Keeping the Balance
As we transition into adulthood, we take on new gender roles. A daughter must quickly learn to be a wife, daughter-in-law, and eventually a mother, often all at once. Similarly, a son must step into the roles of husband, son-in-law, and father after marriage. The first five years of marriage are typically the most challenging, as most couples are mentally unprepared for these new roles. Unfortunately, these early years are also the most critical, as uncorrected behaviours can become ingrained habits that are difficult to change later. For instance, a husband who overly pampers his wife in the early stages of marriage may inadvertently encourage her to neglect her responsibilities at home, cultivating behaviours that could strain the marriage over time. Marital fault lines often emerge from seemingly minor issues that couples may be reluctant to acknowledge. A wife may feel neglected because her husband dines at his parents’ home every evening, as she longs for the intimacy of a married couple. While the husband’s filial piety is commendable, this behaviour can gradually erode the marriage. Regardless of personal beliefs, marriage is a sacred vow sanctioned by the Divine, and "till death do us part" is not something to be taken lightly.
As we grow into our responsibilities, we realise that our mortal lives are deeply intertwined with those of our loved ones. The challenge lies in interacting with them in ways that build strong, interdependent relationships, fostering a balance that nurtures both our individual and collective growth.